Cliche Artemis Fowl Story
by takingtheblade
Summary: *CHAPTER 4 UP*(No, my computer can't do the little thing over the e, okay?) I tried to put together the clicheist (is that a word) Artemis Fowl fic ever. Chaos insues.
1. Breaking In

Disclaimer: I don't own any characters.and nothing in this fanfic is taken specifically from anyone else in the section. It's more of a general thing. And don't think I'm making fun of anybody either.cause I write the same stuff. :P Oh, and for those who think I don't like Artemis Fowl, (coughs 'annoyed') I don't. I LOVE it! It's one of the best books ever! I'm NOT making fun of the books who those who think I am (coughs 'annoyed again) I'm making fun of fanfics in genral in the Artemis Fowl section, okay? It's not that hard. As I'm TRYING to get CERTAIN people to know ('annoyed') this is a joke. Comedy. Something good to read once in a while. There.I'm done ranting. Now get on with it.  
  
"Holly get in here!"  
  
"Yes sir?" Holly sat down.amazingly she must have been waiting outside the door for no apparent reason.  
  
"Something's happening.like stuff getting stolen. Of course, as always, we think it was Fowl. And once again, as always, we have you going up there to investigate instead of getting someone else to do it.  
  
"Nooooo! Please don't make me go! I always have to deal with it!" "Well I don't really have an explanation as why you are always chosen to carry out this mission.I guess just for the plot's sake and the fact that people don't want to change the story making another female officer and creating Mary Sues."  
  
"Of fine!" Holly huffed.  
  
All of a sudden Foaly trotted in.  
  
"Why hello there Captain! I would usually have something smart to say about your newest mission.but the author of this fic isn't that creative. I also just seem to know about your plans in detail although no one knows why."  
  
Hermione Weasley: Hey! Would you two PLEASE stop insulting the authors?! I mean, it was okay at first.but now it's just getting annoying. Or maybe it was annoying originally.  
  
"Yes ma'am! We will not point out the obvious anymore.well, at least most of the time."  
  
Hermione Weasely:Good.  
  
Holly got in the little thingy that takes you to the surface and for some strange reason, got there in about 3 seconds. She then proceeds to Fowl Manor, doing some weird/cool thing.somehow breaking in. She never thinks to just knock.  
  
Butler's ears perked up. He heard a rustling (does that make sense?) in the basement, or whatever. The manservant was soon running to the door and flung it open. There stood Holly with a small smile on her face.  
  
"Ummm.go find Artemis. Now. And don't mention me. Just tell him to come quickly," she said her voice dripping with mesmer.  
  
"Yes."  
  
Soon Artemis shows up and for some reason, very unlike his character hugs her in greeting, which also makes no sense since she's trying to be there unnoticed.right? Anyway.  
  
"How wonderful to see you Holly! In fact, I'd like you to meet."  
  
Grrrr. It's late. I'm tired. I'm getting off now. This is so pathetic. I did this just to prove I was insane as some of you guys out there. More of this chapter coming soon if you guys review! Phew! (Hey! That rhythms!) 


	2. Attack of the Mary-Sues

Okay.I've got the next chapter. This is something we can all relate to.tee hee. grins evily  
  
".Jill!"  
  
(A/N:Yes, this is my first name.)  
  
"She's so great! She has a perfect voice, is skilled in first-aid and probably has a dark past. (oooh)."  
  
Holly just stood there.  
  
"That makes no sense!"  
  
"What?" Artemis said confused.  
  
"That she's so perfect! I mean, seriously!"  
  
"Well, she's probably how the author invisions him/herself or I'm going to end up sleeping with her. Oh, by the way, did I mention that she's a spy?"  
  
Holly just stared at him.  
  
"Yeah.right. Anyway, can I come in?"  
  
"Oh, yes, of course," Artemis said while opening the door to let her in.  
  
Standing in the hall was a girl with long blonde hair, blue eyes, and a beautiful body. She was wear an apron and had a feast in front of her.  
  
"Why hello there! My name's Jill! I just thought that I should help out around the house so I made some turkey and chicken and a salad, and garlic bread, and some rolls, in cause you don't like garlic bread, and then I went out and got a cow and milked it and made some butter out of that! Who may you be?"  
  
"Ummm.just plain old Holly."  
  
"Nice to meet you Holly! I love your hair! It's so wonderful! Do you like any of the food I made? If not, I can make some more."  
  
"Oh no.you've done enough for one day."  
  
"Don't be silly you silly! Anything for Artemis's guest! In fact, for dessert I made some cake, and home made ice-cream, and brownies, and cookies (which come in the flavors of chocolate chip, peanut butter, cinnamon sugar, sugar, double chocolate, and lemon) and some chocolate mousse and pudding.  
  
Holly just stood there with her mouth hanging open. Why did they all come here? Why?! Was she some sort of human magnet that attracted these kind of people? Arrrgggg! 


	3. Random Henchman 23

Well school just started so I'm really busy and it's hard for me to write.sorry for the wait! (  
  
"Well then, why don't you sit down and eat! I'm sure you've had a long journey!" Jill commented cheerfully.  
  
"You have no idea," Holly said while forcing a smile onto her face.  
  
"You to Arty, we can't have you going hungry!"  
  
'Arty,' Holly thought. 'Soon she'll be calling him cuddly bear.'  
  
"Wow! This food is perfect! It could stand up to any scientific analysis!"  
  
*sigh * 'You would you PLEASE stop stressing how great everything about her is?'  
  
Holly had to admit it was probably the best thing she'd ever eaten, though. Grrr. Even she was starting to like Jill.  
  
"Why thank you Arty! I made some of these dishes as an experiment, just for you!"  
  
All of a sudden men in black suits broke down the door and points huge laser rifle things at them.  
  
She knew she should be more shocked but the first thing she said was: "How'd they get past Butler?"  
  
There was a short period of silence until Holly jumped from her seat.  
  
'This whole place is crazy!'  
  
"Oh my good golly gosh! It's bad men, with guns!"  
  
"Duh."  
  
"Holly!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"We're here to bring you to the master!"  
  
"And that would be.." Artemis trailed off.  
  
"Briar Cudgeon(sp?)!!!!" (who saw that coming?)  
  
"But isn't he like, dead?" Holly asked.  
  
"Well you see, it's only logical for him to come back. It's too hard for the average fanfiction author to make up their own villain. So they make up some way for him to come back, it's the easy, lazy way out. You shouldn't expect a new villain."  
  
"But I." Holly inturupted.  
  
"And we didn't really come from anywhere, either. He just suddenly got some evil henchmen."  
  
"Then why-"  
  
"So I suggest you come with us, since there's really no possibility of you getting away."  
  
It took a moment for it to all sink in.  
  
'Is it a bad sign that random henchmen #23 knows more than I do about this crazy world I'm living in?'  
  
Kinda short, right? Hope you like it anyway, though! And remember: Reviews are our friends ( 


	4. Mr Sock

Sorry for the REALLY long wait. I've decided that I will write as much as possible this week since I'm testing this week and probably won't have any homework. So anyway, here's the next chapter!!!  
  
"Okay, let's go!" one of the henchmen said gruffly.  
  
"Where are we going?" Holly asked.  
  
"Well, we're going to a secret lair that is located BENEATH Haven, so it's REALLY close to the earth's core." He replied.  
  
"But wouldn't that not be possible? I mean, everybody would burn up." Artemis thought aloud.  
  
"Oh no! We're going to become as crisp as badly burnt toast when you push it down too many times, aren't we Arty!?" Jill said in an overdramatic voice.  
  
'Oh please,' Holly thought. 'She is SUCH a damsel in distress.'  
  
Holly, Artemis, and Mary Sue..I mean JILL were whisked off in a private jet which Briar SOMEHOW obtained to take them.umm..below ground? Anyway, back to our hero and heroine(s). (You decide.)  
  
"So, I think I should tell you some more about Jill," Artemis said, turning to Holly.  
  
"Why?" she questioned.  
  
"Well, because it's background information that may be important later. It has to go somewhere, you know."  
  
"Oh.okay.." Holly said uncertainly.  
  
"We met because she's the daughter of a crime family also. Isn't that such a coincidence? Anyway, her IQ is ALSO just as high as mine! Wow! That makes us so compatible. Anyway, she's been working for me for a while."  
  
"Working for you?" Holly asked a little surprised.  
  
"Yeah, as a secretary."  
  
"A secretary! So now the great Artemis Fowl needs a secretary. You never needed a secretary before!"  
  
"Well I-"  
  
"Just get on with it," Holly huffed.  
  
"Okay, okay. But before I continue, what's with the word 'huffed' anyway. It sounds like you're smoking or something."  
  
"Smoking is a bad, bad thing, that can take you life away! In fact, my dear, dear father died from the use of drugs. So remember kids, they are harmful to your body!" Jill exclaimed.*  
  
"Yeah, well-" Holly began.  
  
"OH! He was my only friend! We used to walk together by the bay with the ocean shining so bright and eat pizza. We would talk about everything, even about my mother's cancer, my brother's criminal record, and my sister's eating disorder. He was all I had. And every time we looked out over the ocean the wind would whisk all my worries away. And, and," she choked. "Now.he's gone!" Jill burst into tears.  
  
"That.is so sad!" the random henchman said while dabbing away tears with a silky pink handkerchief.  
  
"Wait, you were here the whole time?" Holly said surprised.  
  
"Yeah. Most fanfic writers forget to mention the placement of certain.lesser characters such as myself."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Anyway, I'm here to tell you that we've arrived."  
  
"But we didn't go underground yet!" Jill squealed.  
  
"Ha. Squealed. Like a pig. Besides, the author forgot that part. Sorry, you'll just have to pretend that already happened."  
  
So our heroes were lead into a dark prison cell where Jill cried in a helpless way, Artemis contemplated their possibility of escape, and Holly just sat there, leaving it up to Artemis. Besides, from what she'd learned so far, she probably wouldn't die in this fic. It was pretty upbeat, right? This got her to worrying. This author obviously couldn't be trusted and maybe she (or he.ewww.) was actually really twisted and would make her get killed in a bloody accident. Evidently Jill was the favored female character of the story so maybe she would die. Just when Holly began to freak out about her safety, a random henchman appeared.  
  
"Mr. Cudegon wants to see you," he said while unlocking the door.  
  
Holly got up cautiously and followed him down a series of hallways that she would never remember no matter how good her memory way.  
  
'Great,' she thought. 'I can't even remember how to get from room to room. This must be a sign of my worthlessness. Meaning I'm going to die. Ahhh! Oh no! What if I'm going to be led into a gas chamber or something! AHHHH!'  
  
Just then they stopped. The guard opened the heavy, wooden door and motioned for her to enter. She stepped slowly into the room which was mostly empty except for a desk in which Briar sat at.  
  
"Come here," he said staring at her. "There's no need to be afraid."  
  
'Yeah right,' she thought.  
  
Just as she reached his desk he took her hands in his, taking Holly by surprise, and rubbed them gently.  
  
"Rigggghhhtttt." Holly said, freeing herself from his grasp. "Now exactly what was it you wanted to see me for?"  
  
"Well, Holly, I've always been very drawn to you. I sometimes have some evil henchmen follow you and take pictures of you so that I can fantasize about actually being the same room with you. I get my teddy bear and we sit down together, looking through the photos. Sometimes I take the photos and make screensavers and wallpaper for my computer out of them. Then Mr. Sock and I get some J Lo Music and make a movie of your pictures to the music.You're so beautiful and no that you're in my evil clutches you shall never escape! Bwahahahahah!!!!!"  
  
"Well.that was very odd and strangely specific." Holly commented. She really didn't know what to say. I mean, some guy just had told her that he worshiped the ground she walked on and she wasn't a bit amused.  
  
"You see," he continued, "All of the best of the bad fanfiction writers make a heroine be the object of desire of some evil, bad guy. It's kind of a given. I thought you'd be expecting it."  
  
"Oh, okay. .mr. sock? HA!" 


End file.
